How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband (46) and I (47) have been married for 22 years. We have three kids all roughly high-school-aged. So you can imagine that we’re all pretty busy with life. We have the same problem many couples have: We aren’t always perfectly timed with each other on when we’re “in the mood,” and my husband is in the mood more frequently than I am.
In the last couple of months, he’s suggested that we watch porn together to help us get started. And it has worked, to be honest. There were a few times I was really not particularly interested in having sex, but after watching porn I was ready to go. He’s noticed it too since I got well-lubricated without him even touching me. And, yes, we end up having sex, and it’s good. He’s pretty generous always wanting me to finish first, and so all that’s the same with or without the porn “boost.”
But I am feeling a little troubled by it. It’s not like he’s getting me tipsy or a little high, and in this world of consent, there is complete consent from me because I’ve become in the mood and I’m in no way diminished in my decision-making about having sex. We do end up having fun together. But it also feels a little manipulative to have me watch porn to get me in the mood, which at least so far has been pretty effective. I know I could just tell him to put the iPad away, we’re not watching. But before I might’ve been a tiny bit interested but didn’t want to bother getting all the way there, so I’d say no to sex. But now if I’m a tiny bit interested, 15 minutes of watching two (or more!) people having sex gets me going and we can even skip some of the foreplay because we are both very aroused by that point. So instead of an hour from start to finish with all the foreplay, etc. we can be all done in 20-30 minutes and I can get to reading my book in bed. And that feels like an easy mental commitment for me to make. Am I making too big of a deal about this? As I said, I’m not saying “No” and this is not a situation where my husband has pried my eyes open and made me watch the porn a la A Clockwork Orange. But it’s starting to feel like I’ve trained him to train me into having sex by getting me to watch porn, and I am a little troubled by that.
—Visually Stimulated Wife
Dear Visually Stimulated Wife,
You describe yourself as able to say no; you aren’t using substances or being offered substances to get in the mood; and you’re right, he’s not holding your eyelids open. I don’t see him offering you porn, which does turn you on, as any different from offering you a massage, foreplay, or any of the other things that might turn you on. But something has motivated you to think about this and to write in.
Is your husband a smidge pushy in other areas? Are there places where you feel like your boundaries are being encroached upon, inside or outside of the bedroom? Have a think—if the answer is no, that’s great. If the answer is yes, that’s something to address.
How likely do you think you are to be close to menopause? My perspective here is a bit skewed because my hormones really run my life—not necessarily the typical experience of a body with ovaries—so take what I’m saying with that grain of salt. However, you’re likely getting into the stage—perimenopause—where your hormones start making big shifts, and that can change interest levels in sex. It’s OK to not be interested. You’ll have to balance your desire to remain physically intimate with your husband against what you actually want and how much compromise is OK for you.
Which brings us to my third area to consider: How freaked out are you by the fact that our bodies and minds are easily manipulated? What we put in our bodies (a fourth cup of coffee, a glass of alcohol, herbal tea, medication) changes us temporarily. What we do with our bodies (orgasms, salt baths, exercise) have similar effects. What we put in our minds (porn, a soothing familiar TV show, an article about misogyny) can shape our thoughts. Our thoughts inform our physical state and vice versa. And then throw in the constant changes we have no control over—think the phone call is coming from within the house. Sometimes when we have to reckon with all of this we might feel out of control. If that sounds familiar, it might be worth talking to some peers who may be going through similar situations.
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Dear How to Do It,
I (F) have an etiquette question. I have a long-time friend who started an OnlyFans and has been doing some online sex work. We’ve historically been pretty open about sex and she has shared a lot about her experiences with me. She knows I’m fully supportive and am happy she’s found a form of self-expression she’s enjoying. Today, I was browsing porn and realized… uh, that’s my friend. I exited out, but it was on a fairly public platform in a category I browse fairly regularly. I feel like I violated her privacy and trespassed into something I wasn’t supposed to see. My questions are these: How do I avoid her stuff in the future? I don’t tell her, right? I’m neurodivergent and am not sure if I’m overthinking.
—Surprised to See You Here
Dear Surprised to See You Here,
You are overthinking, and that’s one way that a lot of neurodivergent people navigate life. There’s a recurring theme—myself included—of struggling to sense social cues that a majority of people seem to inherently understand. With this particular issue, there’s no real social norm at this level of nuance that you’re going to come up against, or violate. And just like every neurodivergent person is different, everyone who works with sexual media is. So all you have to consider is your specific friend and her feelings.
You’ve known each other for a long time. Presumably, she knows and appreciates you for who you are and how you approach things. If she doesn’t, she’s not your friend and you don’t need to spend any more time on this. If she does, she’s probably going to be understanding if you’re a little awkward about what happened.
Since you know a lot about her work, you’ve probably got some idea of what kind of digital sexual labor she’s doing. Would she expect her videos to be on the platform you saw them on? If not, it would be nice to tell her so she can send a takedown notice. That’s a simple conversation: “I saw one of your videos on this platform while I was looking at porn online, and was surprised because I thought you kept everything behind a paywall.” If she’s promoting her stuff on tube sites, or got a distribution deal, you can approach with congratulations: “It took me a moment to realize it was you, but I saw one of your videos on [blank] platform.” Whether the situation calls for a heads up or a high five, once you’ve delivered that, tell her—succinctly—how you feel: “I felt like maybe I’d violated your privacy by seeing this.” She’ll likely let you know how she feels. You can make it easier for both of you by being brief and leaving space for her to respond. You can also ask her whether she has any particular preferences around people she knows watching her work.
As for how to avoid her work in the future, there’s no way to guarantee that. But once you have this talk, you’ll know whether you should close the video immediately and never mention it, send her a link, or if you’re encouraged to stick around and enjoy the scene. And life is so much less stressful when we know what the people we care about need from us, so we don’t have to guess.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m 25F, bi, and dating “Jade” who is 38F, also bi. Our relationship is a little unusual because even though I’m significantly younger I’ve dated/had sex with a double-digit number of guys and girls, but I’m her first in everything. I, and most of the other people I’ve been with, have shaved or waxed their pubes, and all have at least trimmed them. Jade on the other hand rocks a full bush, which is totally not the problem. The problem is she also uses maxi pads instead of tampons. Her mom told her horror stories about girls dying from them in the 1970s and she still has too much anxiety to even try them. Plus she has medical issues which cause her to have longer and heavier than normal periods. Plus she is not OK with me just staying away from her lower half during her period. I’ve had frequent period sex before and I don’t mind fresh blood, but a whole mass of pubes all crusted and matted with clots is another story. Jade is highly sensitive to anything that feels like rejection and has a hard time dealing with my reaction to this, even when all I do is tell her to take a shower and wash really well down there before sex. Are we just incompatible? Or is this something she needs to work on because most people are going to have a hard time with it?
—No Lust for the Crust
Dear No Lust for the Crust,
Most people are probably going to have a hard time with Jade’s desire for sexual stimulation when her pubic hair is matted with dried menstrual fluid, yes. Since you are one of those people, this is a major point of incompatibility. Do you want to work through it? You seem pretty grossed out, she sounds pretty insistent (maybe coercive?) in your letter, and you also describe her as highly sensitive when it comes to feelings of rejection.
First, go over your own approach. Are you letting your feelings of disgust show when you tell Jade to wash her vulva? That can hurt. Especially since she can’t help her flow. Then take a look at how she treats you. Is her behavior toward you coercive? That’s not OK. Do you feel like there’s any hope of correcting that? If not, move along. If so, and you value the rest of the relationship to a degree that it feels worth putting in the work for, have a conversation with her about boundaries.
If you’re both doing your best and leading with kindness, broach the subject. Do this as neutrally as possible. It seems like the issue is full bush, plus maxi pads, plus the amount she menstruates compared to the amount she showers. See if you can troubleshoot this together. Tell her what you do feel positive about in your sex life and then ask for her help in making that a more enjoyable experience for you. Leave space for her to suggest a way of changing the situation so she can take the lead here. Good luck.
Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend of several months and I (both in our mid-40s) have a fantastic relationship and a great sex life. My problem is that I find it almost impossible to achieve orgasm without conjuring fantasies, sometimes involving her and sometimes not, of cuckolding or humiliation.
I’m pretty experienced sexually and have learned in the past that actually living out these fantasies hasn’t really improved my overall happiness with sex. From a couple of low-stakes conversations with my girlfriend, I also know that while she’s very eager to be a good partner in bed, this particular kink is definitely not her thing. So I don’t see much upside to disclosing my fantasies.
I absolutely adore this wonderful woman, we have great chemistry and I love having sex with her. I find her extremely attractive and have no problems with arousal or maintaining an erection. It’s just getting to completion that I can’t quite do without going to my fantasy well. By all accounts, she too is very satisfied with our sex life, though I sometimes worry she senses that I’m not fully present near the climax. My very strong preference is to just focus on her and us in the moment, even if it means I sometimes don’t orgasm during sex. But this fantasy is a strong crutch that I always seem to fall back on, and I feel discouraged that I’ll be able to achieve orgasm without it. Is there anything I can do?
—Stop the Mind Games
Dear Stop the Mind Games,
I think it’s best to get all of this out in the open. If you’re transparent, you’ll probably be less stressed about your girlfriend noticing you’re not fully present right before you orgasm. It sounds like you’re in a serious relationship, as well, and that’s the kind of situation where it’s best to clue your partner in on what’s going on with you in general.
You don’t want to actually live out your cuckolding and humiliation fantasies, and your girlfriend isn’t into them. At least, as near as you can tell without addressing them directly. Consider whether there’s a cuck-lite kind of scenario the two of you might role play together, occasionally, in the spirit of compromise. Maybe she’s got fantasies that would get you going—ones you haven’t thought about, or have but will be more interested in because of your connection to her and her interest.
You can also try focusing on the moment extra, whether that’s the sensations you’re experiencing or the ways your partner is responding to you and creating responses in you. Mindfulness is one way of increasing that skill.
—Stoya
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 20s cis woman who either doesn’t orgasm or has really weak orgasms, possibly due to a medication I take. I’ve never had an unequivocal, earth-shattering orgasm, but I enjoy sex anyway. Sometimes a particularly thorough boyfriend or a vibrator will get me feeling way better than usual, and the sensation builds up almost painfully. Usually I back off, but today, I didn’t. I kept masturbating until I felt like I could release, but that release turned out to be … me peeing myself. And no, I wasn’t into it.
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